The Room is the worst film I have ever seen . There is no other way to express this on every level. The film came out in 2003, though it looks like a horrible 90s made for television movie. Every single thing about this film was so beyond excruitiating, and for 20 minutes I resisted the urge to turn it off. But, everyone has made such a big freakin stink about this movie (I hear it screens in New York once a month? Week?) so I sat through it.
My life has changed.
Lets start with Tommy Wiseau’s face, because it is an ever-changing one. Remember the closing racial montage in Michael Jacksons “Black or White.” Which by the way…have you watched that video recently? I can’t tell if it’s racist? But he’s black? Or as Wiseau would probably say, “Thas way confusion for me?”
Weirdly, Tommy Wiseau’s physique is incredible, this dude’s fitness level is Bruce Lee-ish, like he’s fucking RIPPED. Please do not mistake my observations for sexual attraction. His face doesn’t move, and I thought he had botox. Then I thought maybe he was a burn victim (this sounds so terrible, I know, but I’m telling the truth). After several scenes I realized he just doesn’t move or open his eyes. He’s not a terrible looking guy. Like a Michael Jackson grandson, with a hint of the The Crow, maybe some Daniel Day Lewis from My Left Foot, but birthed by Jennifer Connelly.
Who edited this film? Who are you? Why…
The music was peculiar, bi-polar, and impotent…
Here are the facts. The casting director was smoking a powerful substance, in this case lets say elephant meth. The lead female, Lisa, fell short of all my usual expectations for a hot female lead. She’s the Rebecca Black of actresses. Without sounding too mean I’m just gonna stop on Lisa. Moving on, we had an overly girlish and good looking male antagonist whom Lisa was boning, who I think was played by two different actors? In the middle of the movie this guys shaves his beard and looks like a different person, and for no apparent reason. He turned me on like a duck turns on a pigeon. We had a 33 year old 90s record store owner from the haight (SF) playing a kid, Denny, who was somwhere between the ages of 12 and and 33? Denny is like sexual and creepy in the beginning, and then he animorphs into a thirteen year old? And he sells drugs? This was so fucking weird. I think Wiseau forgot mid way through who this character was, how old they were, and what their purpose was. The mother was simply horrific.
Ok so you get the point. Now here is the thing. I can’t totally dismiss this film. I am making my own film right now and it is becoming one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. Making your own film sucks. There is nothing romantic about doing it “indie” if you don’t know rich people who fund weird movies and give out useful favors. And somehow, Tommy Wiseau pulled it off, he has fought retardation and created a film with a serious cult following. He has mastered the art of “ShitDick Flicks.” I now consider myself a part of this community. This film was so bad, that I shall never forget it. What amazes me is like, wasn’t there a producer or investor who said “please don’t let him do this,” or “everyone will know we’re associated with this film,” or “My career is over!”
What if Wisaeu is a genius? What if Tommy Wiseau is actually a PH.D in Biotech at Columbia who happens to do public characters on the side? What if The Room was a dare? I watched part of the film imagining this and it was more enjoyable.
I’ll tell you this. The Room has brought joy to so many lives. It’s a stoners delight, people who like Troll 2 will for sure love this movie. The overly long soft-core sex scenes are priceless. They are way too long, way too many, I mean I doubt anyone in the world has masturbated to them. And they all resemble a boys to men video. I would like to see a sequal to the room.
Tommy Wiseau might not speak english, but my god he can make a damn good american movie.